For the Benefit of All Beings

I wanted to know whether I could rely on devotion to my teacher alone, and not worry so much about all sentient beings.

It occurred to me that I could just ask Rinpoche the question now, so I did, imagining him sitting in his throne on the stage.

An intelligent blue energy floated above the seat. It was Rinpoche, and not just Rinpoche but all my teachers, and not just all my teachers but Manjusri.

Manjusri signaled to me to show him what I understood, so I began meditating. First I cycled through the realms and located myself in the god realm. Then I performed KF’s essence noting technique. From there I was able to rest more deeply. I followed KM’s instruction to look in the resting, and rest in the looking. When I rested I asked: What experiences this? When I experienced a shift, I rested in the shift. I repeated this, moving deeper into awareness, but even as I did I kept getting distracted by insights at each new layer of depth, making new connections and discovering enticing new analogies and metaphors. Scribe at work again.

“Enough of that,” Manjusri said. And he pointed my attention to the ཨ that Rinpoche had hung up.

“Learn this.”

I don’t know any Sanskrit or Tibetan. I have no talent for memorization, or calligraphy. But I followed Manjusri’s instruction, diligently tracing the ah in my head over and over again. I wondered about the brushstrokes – did they go left to right or right to left. Was it two strokes or three. It sort of looked like a warrior with arms upraised.

Finally I had it figured out, more or less. Wow, I did it. I’m so smart. No I’m not – any five year old could do this. Still, it’s so cool I’m having this experience.

Without warning, as if an invisible arm were thrusting itself down my throat and pulled at something in my gut. I gagged.

“Woah, that was weird.”

It pulled again. I dry-heaved.

Okay, something was definitely happening. I was relieved to be alone, with no one to ask me if I was alright. I straightened up again and resumed the meditation. Insights flooded through me; I felt a new understanding about the three refuges, ah-ha! Buddha is like this, Dharma is like this, Sangha is like this. I started to write, draw, diagram.

A pull so strong it threw my head forward. Now I finally got the point. Yamantaka. With tears in my eyes, wishing to be free, I said the words like a mantra:

For the benefit of all beings for the benefit of all beings for the benefit of all beings… (1,000,000x)

And I heaved out a tiny bit of liquid.

Manjusri had answered my question. Yes, devotion to my teacher was enough. And to make my teacher happy, I had to dedicate my efforts to the benefit of all beings.

We talk about a light bulb going off when we have an insight. This wasn’t like that. It was so much simpler, so ordinary, so powerful. It was a teaching.

The vow to work for the benefit of all beings is not a one-time vow. It is not even a daily vow. It is a moment-to-moment vow, a commitment toward a particular way of being and a structure of motivation that is fundamentally incompatible with the “I want… I need… I’ll say… I’ll do…” narrative that has run my life for 38 years.

Vowing every moment to live for the sake of other beings, to act for the sake of other beings, to think for the sake of other beings – it seems impossible. Until I compare it with the impossibility of living for myself, acting for myself, thinking for myself. I know from experience that doesn’t work.

Repeating every moment the mantra “for the benefit of all beings” seems like so much work, such a burden. Until I compare it with the burden of the unconscious mantra I’ve been saying all my life: “me me me me me me me…”

In computer terms, it’s like an operating system: Windows or Mac. They are incompatible – you have to pick one or the other. When we switch, it’s usually a big pain. We don’t switch because we’re so excited about the other one, but because we’re totally fed up with the one we’ve been using.

In that moment, I made a vow to switch my operating system. To stamp every moment with compassion. To sever the head of any intention that did not end in “for the benefit of all beings.” I made this commitment in the presence of the perfect teacher Manjusri and the perfect disciplinarian Yamantaka. I opened my mouth, stuck out my tongue, and repeated “ah ah ah ah ah ah ah…,” feeling the syllable enter my mouth and purify my insides. Then Manjusri sealed the teaching with the red ཨ syllable at my throat.

For the remainder of my sit I received so many gifts. Just glimpses of what was possible from this new motivation. Metta and meditation on the four immeasurables, practices that have always been difficult for me, became easy and spontaneous when supported by the undercurrent of compassion. “For the benefit of all beings may all beings be happy for the benefit of all beings. For the benefit of all beings may all beings be healthy for the benefit of all beings. For the benefit of all beings may all beings be safe for the benefit of all beings. For the benefit of all beings may all beings know joy for the benefit of all beings. For the benefit of all beings may all beings be free for the benefit of all beings.” Like bats fleeing a cave flooded with light, I felt hundreds of suffering beings leave my lower body and exit the top of my head. I don’t know if they were healed but I wished them well. I received glimpses into deeper levels of knowing, hints at what was to come with more practice. My visual imagination opened up in ways that hadn’t been available to me before. I saw myself seated on the throne, a teacher in my own right. I smiled at the sight, not from pride or even aspiration. It was just wonderful to see.

In a dream the following night, my dream-self received the purification – that’s how I understand the dry heaving – and the protective seal of the red ཨ again. Yamantaka is so thorough.

After the fire puja, we all ate lunch outside. As we were bussing our dishes, one of the monks, an older gaunt man, asked:

“Do you know samsara?”
“Yes,” I said.
“After we eat, we die.”

Since making my vow I have broken it more times than I can count, and that was just on retreat. Back home, my attention is pulled this way and that and I am reminded of how hard this simple vow is to keep.

Bob made an interesting point when he was talking about what empowerments really were. He suggested that an alternate translation of an empowerment could be a consecration, or an anointing. This feels right for my experience.

To be anointed as a prince is to be expected to act princely. If a prince is not careful it is easy for him to act in a way that is unbecoming of his title. When he does so he suffers, and his people suffer. A prince must always remember his crown and what it signifies.

Thanks to the power of Rinpoche’s teaching and my own spiritual longing, Manjusri recognized himself in me; I was anointed as a prince of awakening. After this, nothing changed; I didn’t see the world any differently. I simply felt called to a higher standard of being in the world.

This higher standard itself is nothing special. I have the sense that millions of people live this way already, whether they are spiritual or not. The only special thing is my own spectacular selfishness. I feel that it is so important for me to keep feeling the shame of my failure to live up to this higher standard. This shame is what animates my spiritual longing. My spiritual longing is what makes freedom possible.

In other words, I have some idea now how to incorporate confession, commitment, and rejoicing into my practice.